A client challenged me to read a book with her. A little bit of a nudge to rest more and slow life down a bit. I picked the booked, something that I found in the staff picks section of my local library. I like books that I can relate to. A character going through something similar to myself. Something I am yearning to be. I tried my hardest for a few weeks to get through the pages of this book. However, after rising at 3:30 each morning for work and moving all day, I find that my body is ready for “complete rest” by 8:30. And I was only about to complete a few pages each evening – or a chapter at best. I was finding it a struggle to get through, even though I enjoyed the content. Several of you have heard me talk about this and know how challenging and conflicting I found all of this. I am someone who sets out to do something – and completes the tasks. The fact that my tired body wouldn’t let me read was completely frustrating to me.
This week I was having lunch at my desk in my studio after a virtual session. Writing blog posts. Eating fruit and nuts. I suddenly lost function of my left hand. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t continue typing, make a fist or spread out my fingers. I tried for several minutes and then went to the studio mirrors to make sure that my face wasn’t drooping. Thank goodness, there were no changes to my facial expression. But my hand was still froze. Then … my tongue and lips then got tingly. Then my finger tips. My face got sweaty and I felt really dizzy. I turned towards the front door and felt like I needed to get help. I was locked alone in my studio and didn’t know what was happening to my body. I am someone who doesn’t like to ask for help from others, but I felt like I couldn’t be alone.
I didn’t make it to the front door. I woke up on the floor on one side of my studio. I couldn’t come to my feet. So, I crawled on my hands and feet across the wood floor and made my way to one of the cushioned chairs. What was happening? Was I having a stroke? Had my self-diagnosed anxiety exposing a panic attack? Was there something internally going on that I hadn’t been aware of? Did I over do it at the gym earlier? Next thing I knew, I was on the floor again. I opened my eyes, was surrounded by studio decorations and broken glass and a misplaced bookshelf. I still couldn’t stand up properly, so I crawled on my hands and knees to the front door, pulled myself up by the bar, unlocked it and walked with my hands out in front of me towards the door of Edward Jones next door. I entered and the woman at the front desk called 911 after realizing that I wasn’t myself.
By the time that the EMS arrived, I was starting to feel a little better, but was completely disoriented, having trouble catching my breath and remained very confused. The EKG didn’t show any signs of emergent heart issues and my vitals were absolutely perfect. So, what happened?
The emergency responders told me that I was cleared to lead my classes later that day if I wanted. I was very aware of my body. But they wanted me to get in with a provider for follow-up. I ended up cancelling all of my sessions (which is personally VERY hard for me to do to my clients and groups), my husband came to help clean up the studio and take me home. When we called the clinic, they told me that I had to go to the emergency room right away for follow-up. So that’s where we went and where we stayed for the next five hours.
After two more EKGs, blood work and other testing, everything still appeared to be fine. It was only before discharge that they told me that my heart rhythm is irregular and was reviewed by a cardiologist and that I was to meet with the Department of Cardiology’s Faint and Fall Clinic for further review and assessments. I most likely always had this and that a pinched nerve in my arm caused the hand to go numb, which prompted some sort of panic attack and fainting spell. They didn’t think it was related. However, I later learned that there are other women in my family with similar irregularities to their rhythm, who may pass out several times a year. I am assuming that I will discover that I suffer from the same thing.
To those in the emergency room, my visit just seemed like a standard visit and another “fainting spell”. But it has really affected me. I am someone who doesn’t drink or “lose control” of myself. Who is typically in control of much of my day and of my body. So to lose control like that and not know WHY was really a life-changing event for me.
I really have been craving a shift and a change. I love our life am happy with where I am at with my business. But I find myself always needing MORE. Not more stuff. But to be doing more. To be pushing myself further. To be moving more in life. I just want to be content. To be content with resting and just “being”. This is where that book comes back into play.
The next morning, I took off more sessions and allowed myself to rest. I woke up and had coffee and finished the rest of my book from my couch, surrounded by dogs. It’s what my body needed. As I finally closed the book, I cried … and I couldn’t stop. The message throughout the pages of the book is to live a life with intention, meaning – all with less obligations and less things. After working the past several years to simplify our life at home. It really wasn’t simple at all. Our days are messy, complicated and well planned out. We are in this very busy season of life with three kids in different age groups, a thriving business and a marriage approaching the ten year mark later this year. My first marriage fell apart months before we reached the decade marker. I am determined to make a shift in what makes me feel “successful” each day. To slow down and listen. To learn to be calm in the quiet.
The client who pushed me to read this book is ironically an ER doctor herself. In her expertise I think that she really knew what I needed. The next day, one of the seniors and the senior living center where I teach coincidentally gave me another book to read that made her think of me. Life has a funny way of giving you gifts and forced pivots when you need them.
